Feature: “We’re Going To Need More Toilet Paper” -Attack!
By While we might only be a few months into a gleaming, fresh Mario Kart title featuring vibrant open environments and numerous challenges, as I battle it out in yet another Knockout Tour or wander around in search of P Switches and Peach Coins, I can’t help but long for something a tad more familiar.
This feeling is echoed by many, at least if social media is accurate. Why not take a pause to revisit a Mario Kart title where every course is a defined track? A Mario Kart title that I know and cherish? The latest home console Mario Kart before Mario Kart World appeared? No, not that one.
Mario Kart Live: Home Circuit celebrates its fifth anniversary today and is technically Nintendo’s most recent home edition of its gigantic franchise prior to World. I possess numerous cherished memories of this intriguing mixed reality experience. I’ve spent countless hours zooming around my home through Mario’s perspective, darting through makeshift tunnels beneath the sofa, avoiding my children’s feet as they chase after me, laughing with my wife each time one of them would pick up Mario and plant a kiss on his nose – all displayed on the television in real time.
However, as I launch it once more, I’m taken aback by an option presented on the home screen, an option I haven’t encountered in nearly five years of owning this game. Multiplayer. This seems absurd to me. After all, Mario Kart is the ultimate couch co-op adventure. How could I have missed this feature in the series?
Quite easily, as it turns out. Home Circuit holds the last position in terms of sales for the franchise, achieving less than 2 million globally. And now that I think about it, I’m not sure I actually know anyone else who has it.
I must rectify this. I need to orchestrate an all-tracks, all-in Mario Kart Live: Home Circuit Grand Prix.
The starting line
The game allows up to four participants, so that’s our goal. My initial thought is to reach out to those who were brave enough to tackle every single Mario Kart 8 track in one sitting with me last year.
A few ‘No’s come back: Matt is otherwise occupied, Alfie has relocated to the south coast, and Tom is in Australia – evidently, Tom found the experience the most daunting. However, Jonny and Mitchell, however, are crazy enough to agree.
They will require karts. A quick search on eBay reveals that the actual toys needed to engage with the game are quite reasonably priced nowadays. I manage to snag a Luigi in box for £50 and a Mario & Luigi together (though without the box, chargers, or gates) for £45! You only require one set of gates, so this is an incredible deal – and a perfect Christmas gift if you have a Mario Kart fan who hasn’t tried it yet.
They arrive at my door a couple of days before the event, and in the meantime, I gather a few more ‘Yes’s – including a face that may be recognizable to long-time Nintendo Life readers. But more on that later.
I request everyone to download the complimentary game software so we’ll be prepared on the day. We have the karts, we have the players, we have the game; now we just need the location. My last Mario Kart was a typical living room affair, but an event like this requires something a bit more theatrical.
Those familiar with me know that I have a background in the performing arts, and I’m still connected to some of the wonderful people at the Watford Palace Theatre. Coincidentally, they have just opened new spaces nearby and are glad to accommodate our unusual request in their Workshop Studio. It’s a spacious area with a wooden floor and plenty of room – a proper blank canvas. It’s ideal.
Until I realize it’s a blank canvas. We need tracks. There are 10 Grand Prix to navigate, each consisting of three races, meaning I need to create 30 tracks. In two days. And I have nothing.
A wave of anxiety washes over me. I pull out the squared paper and begin drawing large pixel images – a mushroom, a flower, a star. It’s taking ages, and I’m not sure it’ll work. My wife discovers me hunched over the sketch pad – gnawing on the pencil in my hand.
“Why don’t you just use tracks from the games?” she inquires.
“Because they’re enormous – I have no idea how I’d even accomplish that.”
“What, even the old ones?”
I pause. Ignoring the painful sensation of referring to something from my childhood as ‘old’, she has made a significant observation. The SNES tracks are rather compact creations, but filled with sharp corners, narrow paths, shortcuts. There are some quite iconic ones, as well! Even appearing in World occasionally. It’s a brilliant idea!
“Thanks, love! Speaking of which, would you like to play it for a bit now?”
“I think you should probably finalize your plan.”
“Fine.”
Killjoy. Wholeheartedly correct killjoy.
I extract top-down images of all the tracks from Super Mario Kart and place them beneath a pixel grid. This will aid in planning it out effectively, but how am I going to size it? What will I use to build it? I think of real go-karting and the large rubber tires that line the tracks. Big, cylindrical objects with a bit of flexibility. And it dawns on me. Toilet paper. No, I wasn’t on the toilet at that moment.
Examining my little Mario (again, not on the toilet, not a euphemism), I note he’s roughly two toilet rolls wide – that’s what I’m going to construct my track from. Perfectly positioned pixel toilet rolls. I’ll make the tracks all four rolls wide to accommodate two racers going neck and neck, and we can widen and tighten where necessary to facilitate some overtaking and hot pursuit.
There are 20 Super Mario Kart tracks in total. I combine this with the pixel images I’ve already crafted (a giant recreation of each of the cup names), and we have our 30. Everything is set for the grand race.
Shopping karts
I set off to the venue with four tiny cars in the trunk of my vehicle. I call up Jonny on the journey.
George: “Hello, do you have a lot of toilet paper?”
Jonny: “I have some toilet paper? Why?”
George: “I’m going to grab some to create the tracks with, I don’t suppose you have one of those large boxes of 48?”
Jonny: “I’m sorry, did you say 48? I don’t think you comprehend how much toilet paper that is.”
George: “We get 48 at home. It’s not that much. It’s fine – we can pick some up when I collect you.”
Shortly after this call, I gather our initial volunteer for this monumental event, it’s none other than former Nintendo Lifer, current Good Vibes Gamer Jon Cartwright! And he’s bringing a spare Mario Kart as well. What a chap.
As Jon settles into the vehicle, he notices a bag of zip ties in the back seat.
George: “It’s usual – don’t be concerned.”
Fully agreeing to this, Jon (thereafter JC) gets in, and shortly after we pick up Jonny (JB) before heading to a large supermarket. Checking my pixel designs, I realize the larger tracks require over 150 rolls to finish them, so we grab 8 bags of 24 rolls.
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever pushed a substantial shopping cart filled to the absolute edge with solely toilet paper, but I can assure you it attracts some curious stares.
JC: “You just received a stellar side-eye from that guy.”
George: “Do you think it would be strange to inform him that we don’t have diarrhea?”
JB: “That would make it seem and sound even more like you do.”
George: “I didn’t realize how much toilet paper this would entail.”
JB: “You really didn’t.”
Dragging the toilet paper back to the car and squeezing ourselves in along with it, I begin to outline the day’s plan.
George: “I estimate each race will last only a couple of minutes. If we can construct quickly and allocate 20 mins per Grand Prix, that’s three plus hours. We’ve booked for four hours – so that gives us a little bit of flexibility.”
I recognize the strategy is ambitious, but I think it’s attainable. We reach the Palace, and the assembly starts.
Game Creation Garage
Joining JB, JC, Mitchell, and me this time are Alex, Janek, Artie, and Ossie. This creates four pairs, and we team up accordingly, but not before getting to work on our first track, Mario Circuit 1, to bring it into reality.
I’ve devised a plan to tie some of the toilet rolls together to make runs of three, four, and five to expedite the construction. While the rest of the team makes this work, I attempt to get the karts online. Well, I try.
George: “No! A tutorial! I need to go through a tutorial for these switches.”
JC: “I’m on it.”
Jon seizes a switch and we rush through the details of ‘pressing A to move forward’ and ‘pressing X to honk’, among others.
George: “Why can’t you skip this?!”
JC: “It’s excruciating.”
George: “Oh my god, they expect us to construct a track now? I just want to race!”
By the time we set up the karts, we are already 25 minutes behind. But Mario Circuit 1 is ready before us. Look at it. It’s magnificent. Bring on the mushroom cup, it’s time to race!
Mushroom cup: On your marks, get set, goof around!
Except it isn’t. At the beginning of each track you’ve created, player one must navigate through gates one to four to establish the actual course for all the others. No issue. The track is complete, to the starting grid, everyone! Let’s-a-
Jon: “I can’t begin?”
Mitchell: “Yeah, me neither.”
George: “You just need to hit ‘X’ while facing the gate.”
Mitchell: “No, it won’t permit me.”
George: “You must be looking at the gate.”
Mitchell: “I am – see!”
Mitchell’s Mario is indeed focused on Gate One. What’s happening? What we had not anticipated is the game having a very specific requirement for where each player must start, with small floating discs their kart needs to be on. The issue is, on our compact little course, this essentially places you on top of other racers.
Some of us manage to hit ‘X’, but if we then accidentally tap ‘A’ or get nudged by another racer trying to start, it cancels our ready state. It is utterly absurd. A full three minutes later, we are finally prepared to start track one. And it’s worth it.
It’s chaos. Delightful chaos. Heads are down, watching our screens as the toilet paper zooms by, our teammates cheering us on from the sidelines. Shouts of excitement and despair rise as items collide and the course gets completely obliterated. I had hoped a nice bonus of connecting the toilet rolls would be that they would stay quite firmly in place if bumped into, and this was true, but I did not anticipate how easily the single toilet rolls would be knocked around with the slightest contact. By lap five, it felt as if we were merely driving through a jungle. Look at the condition of it!
Mario Circuit transitions to Donut Plains and the teammates change over.
George: “Okay everyone, I’m going to outline the path. Just observe where my kart goes so you can stay on the course and everything should remain intact.”
My words are ignored. Another course utterly demolished. Around lap three, I notice that a Luigi is just floating outside the track.
George: “Wait, is that our Luigi?”
Ossie: “Yeah, I wasn’t really sure where I was headed.”
George: “But I showed you!”
Janek: “The tracks are so narrow, it’s tough to know where you’re supposed to go.”
George: “Not if everyone sticks to the track! I planned them; they’re all wide enough for two karts. I assure you. Alright, I’m Lakitu-ing this.”
I scoop up Luigi and place him back on course, hastily rearranging the track rolls as I do.
George: “I believe this is what we should do moving forward – teammates can be Lakitu and we need to repair as we progress.”
Alex: “Yeah, sounds good.”
Artie: “Has anyone spotted Ludwig? I think he’s far ahead of all of us.”
Janek: “There’s a computer? I’m not sure I’ve even seen him.”
Artie: “I think he’s been in first the whole time.”
Mitchell: “Darn it, Ludwig.”
The computer may be leading, but things start to get back on track with the final race of the Grand Prix – the
large old mushroom course. Even though there’s still ample fuss involved in actually commencing the race, the area provided for this one genuinely enhances the experience and a proper silence falls as we vie for the podium. It doesn’t endure, however, because as I round a bend with rolls racing by, I can’t resist chuckling when I glance away from the screen and notice my Luigi.
George: “Oh my gosh! They appear so sluggish in real life!”
I’m unsure I can gather the phrases to aptly convey the whiplash of rushing through a mountain of toilet paper on a display, to seeing the stark reality of a tiny toy meandering across the surface covering a minuscule section of floor, but indeed the focus we had assembled falls apart as everyone snickers at the lack of fervor the real karts are showing. Those tight, precise curves and bumper-to-bumper clashes look amusing when you realize they’re simply tiny plastic toys. 100cc suddenly feels like 10cc.
The race concludes, and the shock of having a CPU seize the grand prize with nearly double the points of second place isn’t lost on us. Time is also evaporating – it’s already been close to an hour and a half and we’ve only accomplished one Grand Prix! No moment to reflect, we must get going.
The Flower Cup. The surely-a-Flower Cup.
Ghost Valley 1 takes form with its notorious jump shortcut set. I had contemplated constructing a ramp, but this notion is dismissed as time ticks away. I do, however, place a toilet roll in the center of the narrow stretch.
JB: “What’s that?”
George: “It’s for the shortcut. It’s to introduce a bit of hazard; otherwise, everyone will just utilize it since it’s faster. It’s risk and reward now.”
JB: “No, it’s not; we’re just going to plow right through it.”
Janek: “Couldn’t the tracks be broader?”
George: “This one is fairly wide. Once we navigate that initial corner, it’ll be fine. Ghost Valley is a classic. Trust me.”
Bedlam. Everyone crashes at the first corner except one crafty Mario who zooms through. As anticipated, the shortcut also gets demolished. It’s a solid race though – I skillfully navigate Luigi on the inside for first place but fall down the rankings when I get nudged off track by that darn shortcut roll I had insisted on during the final lap.
George: “LAKITU!! ASSIST!”
Mitchell snatches it. That one hurt. Ghost Valley 1 is my preferred. Onward to Bowser’s Castle 1. I would like to say composed minds prevailed as the urgency to design tracks swiftly sinks in, but –
George: “I wish we could create two tracks simultaneously to hasten the process.”
Mitchell: “We can do that, can’t we? We’ve got the floor area?”
JC: “And another set of gates?”
George: “We don’t possess enough toilet roll to construct two at once.”
JB: “I don’t think the shortage of toilet roll is your issue here.”
Janek: “I believe the tracks should be wider.”
George: “The tracks are adequately wide!”
They truly aren’t. I’m gradually realizing that the tracks I’ve modeled these adaptations on are, by and large, sufficiently wide for 4-6 racers to sit side by side in-game. These are spacious enough for two. At times. Nonetheless, after the usual gate fuss, Bowser’s Castle commences. And it’s around lap four that things again derail.
Artie: “Oh, I’ve obtained a Bullet Bill!”
Cue utter track devastation. The Bullet Bill completely obliterates the kart through the toilet roll and annihilates any trace of a track. We struggle to finish the last lap as Roy gallops into first.
JB: “No! This is absurd! I’ve been first the whole time. I’ve been robbed.”
Mitchell: “Damn it, Roy.”
George: “Of course! The toilet roll has no impact on him. He’s just strolling through a normal track.”
Everyone: “Ohhhhhh.”
We probably should’ve picked up on this sooner. Mitchell is performing exceptionally well this Grand Prix, though, and isn’t shy about mentioning it.
Mitchell: “Absolutely crushed that. I could take this.”
JB: “Nonsense.”
We assemble the concluding track of the GP, and perhaps I should’ve anticipated things becoming a bit risqué.
JB: “Err…what are you constructing?”
JC: “Yeah, this seems pretty dodgy, George.”
George: “It’s clearly a fire flower you brutes. I’m going to set up the gates.”
JB: “Are you going to block off sections of it?”
George: “No! We want varied routes and shortcuts and such. Mario Kart is all about choices.”
JB: “I thought it was all about rage? Blind rage.”
I continue to guide Mario through the gates.
George: “Oh no. This isn’t going to help my argument.”
Everyone loses it, and I cannot repeat anything that was uttered as the karts raced up and down the course. The fact that it’s a nice, expansive track (stop it) again makes the race thoroughly enjoyable. Gratefully, Jon steps up to demonstrate its true scope:
The looping structure of the track leads to some exhilarating bumps and item hits, with cheers erupting all around the room.
George: “I genuinely enjoy it when there’s a crossover – it’s fantastic to dodge past others while you’re going around.”
Jonny promptly collides with the side of my kart as I say this, catching my front wheels and dragging me along with him.
George: “No! I was in first!”
The CPU has once again grabbed the grand prize, but Mitchell was not far behind. We have just over an hour left at this point, and I concede defeat on any idea of finishing every Grand Prix.
JC: “Yeah, I think that would take about nine hours at this rate.”
A star-studded conclusion?
George: “Alright, let’s go for one more Grand Prix. We should choose a Star Cup since the course I intended for the Shell Cup is ridiculously tight. Seriously, it’s just one car wide.”
JB: “Let’s avoid that.”
Ossie: “What course are we designing?”
Alex: “I believe it’s preferable when the tracks are more straight.”
George: “Absolutely. No twisty-turny tracks. However, there’s one I wanted to test out.”
Some time later with toilet paper.
JB: “What am I looking at here?”
George: “It’s Koopa Troopa Beach! It’s fairly open, so I’m optimistic it will provide a bit more space.”
And indeed, it does. The driving experience is quite enjoyable; we’re all joyfully competing, when Alex quietly leans down and effortlessly picks up his kart.
George: “Are you done already?”
Alex: “Yep.”
Mitchell: “The complete disregard. I admire it.”
My intention to conclude with Rainbow Road before finishing on the massive pixelated star is thwarted when I mistakenly hit ‘Next Race’ instead of course creation after KT Beach ends.
George: “Noooooo! Why is that the primary option?”
JC: “That’s pretty strange.”
George: “It’s as if they don’t want you to shift tracks each time!”
I ponder this for a moment.
George: “Oh my goodness. We aren’t supposed to change tracks every time. It’s the environment that’s meant to make each track unique. That way, there’s less hassle setting up the gates and running through them repeatedly. You can just take off and experience a different feeling course.”
JB: “So what you’re implying is, we’ve squandered hours constructing tracks under your reign as the tyrant of track design.”
George: “No! No, it’s still been enjoyable. Just would’ve been much swifter.”
Ossie: “Can’t we simply relocate the gates?”
George: “Yes! Let’s do that! Just position the gates anywhere in the room. See, I’m not a tyrant.”
JC: “So is this open-world? Are we doing Mario Kart World style?”
George: “We are doing Mario Kart World style.”
We scatter the gates throughout the vast room and start racing. It’s chaotic and incredible. Observing our karts speed across extensive straights. Mitchell’s Luigi is powering ahead while mine follows closely.
George: “I swear Luigi is quicker.”
Mitchell: “Of course, he’s the superior sibling.”
JC: “Oh no! I’ve got a Bullet Bill but he doesn’t know where the track is!”
Jon’s shaking kart is quite a sight as Mitchell and I battle for the customary second place behind the CPU.
JB: “Where’s the computer?”
George: “He finished ages ago. He doesn’t care about trivial details like where the gates or toilet rolls are.”
Mitchell: “Damn it, Bowser Jr.”
JB: “Evil.”
I’ve managed to ascend to first (second) place, maneuvering tightly around Gate Four, keeping my gaze off the screen and fixed on the actual kart. I just squeeze through Gate One and celebratory fist pumps fly into the air.
George: “Yes! That was fantastic.”
However, when I glance at my screen, something appears amiss.
George: “Hey? It indicates I’m still racing.”
Mitchell: “Yeah, I just finished second.”
George: “What? Oh no – I don’t think it recorded a gate!”
JB: “Sure, sure.”
George: “No, honestly! I passed through all of them! You saw, Mitch?”
Mitchell: “I didn’t notice anything, mate.”
George: “I can’t believe this!”
I storm back around the course and, indeed, Gate Four did not register. I feel empty.
Mitchell: “That’s Mario Kart, baby.”
George: “Don’t even.”
Other commitments have left us with just JB, JC, Mitch, and myself now, and we relish our substantial Star Cup finale – even if the CPU claims the podium once more. Though we all agree the fact that none of us have truly claimed first leaves us slightly unfulfilled…
Mario’s Migraine
George: “Alright, how about one last race, no CPU, winner takes it all?”
Mitchell: “Sounds good – but what’s the course?”
JB: “Yeah, we don’t want any of that tight cornering nonsense.”
George: “I was planning to save the best for last – a massive recreation of pixel Mario’s head.”
JC: “Are we going to drive through Mario’s skull? Okay, let’s do it.”
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Removing the CPU aspect and introducing real stakes has the impact I desired all along. A proper, concentrated silence settles over us as the countdown starts. Then, almost instantaneously:
Everyone: “Oh!”
A sandstorm engulfs the track, and somehow you can experience its effect on the karts? A delightful reminder that Nintendo can truly create magic in any experience they focus on, even at this late hour. We zoom around the wonderfully expansive course, and Mitchell takes the lead.
Mitchell: “I told you – Luigi is naturally faster.”
Observing that lean, green machine in action stirs jealousy within me. But I keep my composure.
George: “That was fantastic, though! One more time, just for kicks? I think we can fit it in. No weather effects this round, and we don’t need to reset the gates.”
Everyone: “Sure!”
We replace a few misplaced rolls and line up once more. I’m making steady headway, and towards the end of lap four, I’ve got
a rather formidable lead. I take the shot.
George: “I mean, clearly this is the true final race, right? The victor claims everything!”
Everyone: “What?! Absolutely not!”
JB: “You’re absurd.”
George: “Absurdly excellent!”
I rush through the ultimate gate. Except I don’t. Because once again, I have neglected to register a gate during my last lap.
George: “What? No! No – NOT AGAIN!”
I’m shaken as I bounce from gate to gate searching for the culprit – it’s Gate Three! And fittingly, it places me in third. I backtrack timidly on my prior bragging.
George: “Perhaps we will consider the last one as the true final race.”
JC: “Is that because you finished second in that one?”
George: “Hush.”
The podium
So there you have it – our final ranked standings on what was essentially a highly intricate, one-race winner-takes-all event. We decide to capture a podium photo holding our gates.
George: “Come on, everyone, grab your rank. Jonny, you finished fourth.”
JB: “I refuse to accept that.”
Mitchell: “That’s Mario Kart, baby.”
George: “How did you all find it?”
JC: “Transformative.”
JB: “Decent.”
JC: “Incredible feedback.”
JB: “Nah – I’m just kidding. It was a lot of fun.”
Mitchell: “A surprisingly civilized Saturday.”
George: “Would you do it again?”
JB: “Yeah, I would. Create better tracks, though.”
JC: “I think it needs more excitement. Get a dog in.”
Mitchell: “Yeah, get a dog and I’m in.”
A dog it is.
And what about myself? Would I participate again? Yes, undoubtedly, and you should as well if able – but a few words of caution.
Don’t create a new track for every race! Setting it up is a complete time sink and the tightness of the game tracks translates terribly into a real-world environment.
Ensure everyone has finished the challenging tutorial before you arrive, and for goodness’ sake, allow everyone space to begin at Gate One. I can’t emphasize enough how much time we wasted just trying to commence a race.
It’s so, so close to being a treasure of a game – it’s just weighed down with a bit too much hassle and not enough action. Classic Nintendo. Disable the CPU, too. You’re never going to outpace a ghost that can maneuver through walls – keep the stakes among the real-life participants.
I would suggest the enormous pixel recreations and allowing the in-game effects to influence the race. The collisions, witnessing the amusing contrast between the excitement on the screen and the wandering of the actual karts, the iconic Mario Kart gameplay – it’s all present and truly worth savoring in four-player mode with the right people.
We may have faltered in our quest to finish all GPs, but we had a blast attempting. And hey, regardless of the outcome, at least we’ll have toilet paper on hand for months.